Letters

My best friend and I exchange packages every few moons or so. These are the transcripts of the letters that come with those packages and as a result, all the memories. This page updates very sporadically, and I personally suggest you check it around Christmas.

WOW! Can you believe that I'm handing you this card IN PERSON instead of sticking it in a bottle and twiddling my thumbs as I pray that it doesn't get lost in the Atlantic Ocean? Neither of us are holograms or extremely advanced chatbots, as it turns out! In all seriousness, thank you so much for being my friend and accepting. me the way I am. Thank you for coming to visit. You are a better best friend than I could have ever asked for. - Unknown, 2025

To my biggest chungus Pearl
OOPS! Can you believe that I had to send this stupid package twice? Oh well, now I get to show you this nauseatingly cute stationery paper I bought. If customs has an issue with the way I labelled the contents of this package again, I will eat my own toes one at a time and livestream it on one of our calls. You do like weird feet stuff, right? Maybe I’ll thread the bones through a string and turn it into a necklace you can wear. Love, Big Chungy, Alex. - Unknown, 2025

Dear Pearl
HEWWO! How do you like the janky Scooby-Doo stationery I printed out from a website from the 2000s? Invitiation-world.com had some of the least blurry JPEGs I could find. Please enjoy all your little trinkets and snacks from the land of the burger. If you don’t eat all of it in one sitting like a true American, I might have to come down your chimey and stuff hot dogs down your gullet while the Star-Spangled Banner blares over a loudspeaker. With love from ALEX!! - May 2025

PEARL! Holy fucking shit, you guys! Can you believe that your weird American friend send you a big box of stuff YET AGAIN? It’s a wonder they haven’t sent you a bag of dog poop or nuclear waste by now!! Anyways, I hope you enjoy the menagerie of items I’ve sent you for Christmas. You will want to wash the shirts seperately for awhile in case there’s excess dye in the fabric. I couldn’t fit graham crackers in the box this time, but I remembered the goldfish and also the lucky charms hot choco. Enjoy or ELSE! ALEX. (Ran out of room) - December 2024

OH MY GOD!!! ANOTHER big bag of crap from Alex? It’s almost like they’re testing the waters to see how long it’ll take you to figure out that there’s microscopic pipe bombs in here! They won’t do anything but the intent is what matters! Anyways, enjoy your books, you butt sniffer. Love, Alex. - Summer 2024.

Hi Pearl! GOODNESS GRACIOUS! Can you believe that an elite cyber hacker used your doxx to send you a box of crap from the colonies? I can’t please enjoy your Christmas gifts or I’ll GET you! Love, Alex. - December 2023