82 Reasons to Enjoy the Company of a VAMPIRE!

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Introduction

Landed yourself into a debate? Trying to convert a nonbeliever? Need cute ideas for your vampire fiction? Then this is the page for you! These are the little things, the overlooked bits and pieces of domestic life with a corpse demon, or multiple. They’re (for the sake of curation) Safe-For-Work, thus leaving your bodice unripped and your psyche respected.

The list expands whenever new ideas fly in my head and refuse to leave. These items also try to be (somewhat) timeless, as opposed to the secondhand decomposition I suffer whenever I’m reminded of what year this is.

The List

1. Can sleep in your attic or basement if you’re scared of things in them.
2. Can cool your drinks just by touching them.
3. Can create distractions by turning into loads of bats and going everywhere.
4. Can drench you in a blanket of fog, making you look extremely cool.
5. Can get late-night shopping for you if you forgot to get what you needed that day.
6. Can get you around town without the need for a vehicle.
7. Can get you out of print books.
8. Can hide in your humidifier in a pinch.
9. Can hypnotise the mailman into prioritising your packages first.
10. Can hypnotise you into falling asleep if you’re having trouble doing that.
11. Can identify every weird old object you find at thrift stores without Googling.
12. Can identify unseen things down to their smell.
13. Can open jars.
14. Can put the spiders outside for you.
15. Can reach the top of the shelf.
16. Can teach you period-appropriate etiquette for fine-dining situations.
17. Can tell you about the exact notes of a smell or taste.
18. Can use their night-vision to help you find things in the dark.
19. Can use their telekinesis to wash the dishes, thus preventing either of you from having to touch slimy things in the sink.
20. Even if their diets are limited, they can technically do wine and cheese tasting with you.
21. If someone breaks into your house, your vampire friend can take care of it however violently or peacefully you see fit.
22. If they burn your hand on something, you can soothe it on their cold skin.
23. If they can control the weather, they can fine-tune it to your liking.
24. If their ability to control animals means you can adopt from a shelter and your new pet will have an easier time getting used to you.
25. If they can control animals means you can adopt from a shelter and your new pet will have an easier time getting used to you.
26. If they can carry heavy furniture up the stairs.
27. If they can drench you in a blanket of fog, making you look extremely cool.
28. Their creature henchmen can also do stuff for you.
29. Their heightened senses mean they’ll keep the volume to a reasonable level.
30. Their immunity to the cold lets them dig out your car when it’s snowing.
31. Their long-lived nature means they’re bound to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of something.
32. Their rancid aura will repel most vermin from the premises.
33. Their reflexes will let them catch anything you drop.
34. They can be your character witness in new social situations.
35. They can build a snowman with their bare hands.
36. They can carry heavy furniture up the stairs.
37. They can cool your drinks just by touching them.
38. They can create distractions by turning into loads of bats and going everywhere.
39. They can drench you in a blanket of fog, making you look extremely cool.
40. They can get late-night shopping for you if you forgot to get what you needed that day.
41. They can get you around town without the need for a vehicle.
42. They can get you out of print books.
43. They can hide in your humidifier in a pinch.
44. They can hypnotise the mailman into prioritising your packages first.
45. They can hypnotise you into falling asleep if you’re having trouble doing that.
46. They can identify every weird old object you find at thrift stores without Googling.
47. They can identify unseen things down to their smell.
48. They can open jars.
49. They can put the spiders outside for you.
50. They can reach the top of the shelf.
51. They can teach you period-appropriate etiquette for fine-dining situations.
52. They can tell you about the exact notes of a smell or taste.
53. They can use their night-vision to help you find things in the dark.
54. They can use their telekinesis to wash the dishes, thus preventing either of you from having to touch slimy things in the sink.
55. They’ll always know what time it is.
56. They’ll never let you forget to use up your garlic.
57. They’ll never leave the lights on.
58. They won’t have to meal prep the way you do.
59. They won’t hover around you while you cook. (Especially if you’re making anything with the other G-Word)
60. They won’t slip on a wet floor because they can levitate.
61. They’re always cold so you can always choose to warm them up.
62. They’re statistically more likely to appreciate ambient lighting.
63. They’re statistically more likely to carry a parasol.
64. They’re statistically more likely to keep the house clean.
65. They’re statistically more likely to know how to take care of you after you donate blood.
66. They’re statistically more likely to know what to do in an emergency.
67. They’re statistically more likely to recall the most insane things you’ve ever heard.
68. They’re statistically more likely to show you how to send fancy letters with wax seals.
69. They’re statistically more likely to be a polyglot.
70. They’re statistically less likely to leave the oven on.
71. They’re statistically more likely to be more aware of their own stench.
72. They are statistically unlikely to complain about your dust bunnies.
73. You can ask them to hole punch with their fangs.
74. You can ask them to pop stuff with their fangs.
75. You can become a vampire too.
76. You can dress their bat form up in little outfits.
77. You can finally have those secret passageways you always wanted.
78. You can go through bad neighbourhoods with them.
79. You can have them hypnotise cold-callers and make them waste time, thus saving many of your fellow humans from unsolicited conversations.
80. You can lean against them on a hot day.
81. You can play with your pet rats.
82. You can play with your pet wolf.